Fri 7 Apr, 2023

How Hyper- Independence is a Stress Response

Does this sound like you?

Do you struggle to ask for help because you would rather just do it yourself?

Do you pride yourself on being incredibly independent and not having to rely on anyone?

Are often working yourself to the bone, you always feel like there is MORE to do?

Do you often push yourself & are an over achiever?

Do you reject help when it’s offered because you think it won’t be ‘up to your standards?’

Do you often take on all the responsibilities at home & work and feel like you don’t have much support?

Do you make decisions without consulting anyone?

This is a long list, & there are more. Do any of them sound like you? Because if they do, don’t worry because they were ALL me too. And don’t get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with you if this is you. This post is to bring you into a deeper state of awareness, to understand the meaning behind some of our behaviours.

I used to be SO proud that I was incredibly independent. I never asked for help, I used to do everything myself. As a young child, it was also drilled into me that you can’t trust anyone and no one will be there for you any way. So I grew up thinking and believing I had to do everything myself. It was learnt behaviour due to neglect, trauma & stress.

Hyper – independence is a trauma response. I only learnt about it in my 30’s when I proudly sat & told my therapist how independent I was, how I didn’t need to ask anyone for help, how I often did things for myself. I sat there beaming, I wore it like a badge of honour. To me being independent meant being successful, worthy, important, I was so bad ass that I could take on the world by myself.

My therapist pointed out, ‘well what’s wrong with asking for help?’

‘Nothing, I’d just rather do it myself.’

She responded, ‘Don’t you think it might be better to ask for help should you need it, you don’t HAVE to do everything yourself.’

Although her responses may not sound life changing, I reflected upon this for a long time & it made me analyse my relationship with ‘being independent’. What did this mean for me and to me?

Upon reflection, I realised that I had taken on this role of being uber independent because I didn’t have anyone to rely on. I felt so let down and neglected by those around me. As a child when I cried out for help, no one came, or when they came, my needs were disregarded as not important. I COULDN’T rely on anybody but myself. So I did, for 30 long years. My perception of asking for help was so distorted, I carried this belief with me my whole life.

If you take anything from this post, just remember, there are people out there who want to help you. It is okay to ask for help. They may not do it exactly how you want things to be done but that is also OKAY. People can be trusted.

Often hyper-independence stems from a lack of trust. Lack of trust of others around you & lack of trust within yourself. Being super independent is incredibly lonely. Being so independent also means we often suffer in silence. Not wanting to burden anyone with our stress or worries or believing that no one will be there to support you anyway. Not asking for help or thinking you have to carry it all yourself will take its toll on you & your body. Eventually, everything you have bottled up will come out.

Lack of trust, unworthiness & support can also be linked to your Root & Heart Chakra. Building this trust, releasing the negativity around these emotions is so important for you to be able to have a healthy relationship with yourself & others around you.

Think about where you can start letting go. Where you can begin to release the reins & begin to slowly ask for help or to unload some of that responsibility you’ve chosen to take on. Take it step by step. You may want to start asking for more support at home or at work. You may want to start delegating jobs to others around you. You may even just choose NOT to apply for that job or go for that promotion or study another course or apply for another degree, because right now it isn’t necessary.

Affirmations

Asking for help is a sign of self-respect and self awareness.

I am open to receiving help, my resources are unlimited.

I am worthy & capable as I am.

I am enough & everything that I do is enough.